ashes for beauty

2007-06-26T14:52:00.000+08:00

turn a new page and its time to fly away
http://20_seven.livejournal.com

2007-06-24T12:26:00.000+08:00

so it was bbq with the family last night.
the cousins have actully turned out to be quite interersting and rowdy
had quite the entertaining night getting underaged children drunk.
but well thanks all for being there.

2007-06-21T00:18:00.000+08:00

sometimes i stop in my tracks and ask myself what in the world it is that i am doing to myself
and what i actually want to get out of it
or expect to get out of this
and the answer still remains unclear.
i'm starting to think that i am simply just chasing the idealistic belief of how i think it can be
but in reality things are far from that utopian vision and i question the desire.

2007-06-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

i love you
and i miss you alot.
the you that would laugh and tease
the you that could seemingly do everything
and be up for anything.
i wish i could have you back
but i know i cant
and i go on loving you anyway.

2007-06-14T13:51:00.000+08:00

the curtains fall for the last time and as the applause fades and give way to mummurs and whispered chatter the guest file out of their seats. but she remains seated her eyes transfixed on that thick heavy red velvet. around her the noises swirl and she remains oblivious. lost in the darkness of the deep wrenching emptiness that envelopes. inpenetrable, unreachable. her cheeks are wet, stained from salty tears that betray her. she doesnt know how to stand up and keep going. the show is over and she doesnt know how to move on.

2007-06-13T16:08:00.000+08:00

its annoys me how my thoughts appear so seemingly impossible to control and how i feel so inexplicably connected to you and how i seem to somehow sense apparent or impending something unpleasant thats about to happen. its that same wrenching feeling in the pits of my stomach, the tightening of my lungs and the fear that explodes inside it. shallow breathing and my heartbeat quickens. the phone rings but theres no answer on the other end. the waiting does nothing but accentuate the turmoil.

finally assuaged my craving for pig organs soup last night. dragged alo and lj down to geylang last night for a decidedly satisfying meal. somehow i still find it a tad hilarious how the three of us always manage to get so lost each time we are together. guess thats what happens when one is not familiar with the roads and the other two have no directional sense what so ever. despite all the wrong turns the company of my two dear friends and how we can talk about anything and everything under the sun never fails to lift my spirits somewhat.

2007-06-10T16:33:00.000+08:00

http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2091159787
(above) the edited link for wen's party pictures.

hope and dreams are just for the idealistic stupid naive people.
because more often than not things just fall through
and even the best laid plans fail
and all you are left with is just disappointment.
sorrow and tears are the only certainty

2007-06-08T13:24:00.000+08:00

not going to australia has come at an immensely huge expensive cost.
in time to come perhaps i will accept the reality that it was my own actions that brought about this huge degredation
but right now the only thought swirling in my head is how that if i had accepted to place to macquarrie i wouldnt be faced with the shitty grades that are staring me right in the eye
it appears highly probable that i will be made to drop my second major
and to hold in my hand a second upper seems but a distant dream that is not about to become reality

it seems an every greater mockery that the usually nonchalant me actually made the effort to pour dilligently over my books and attempt to get serious studying done.

this has really been too great a price to pay

i hate the hand that i have been dealt.
lord i am sorry but i do.

2007-06-05T11:48:00.000+08:00

heres the link to the rest of the pictures
*http://ntu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=5550&id=691146922

2007-06-02T15:57:00.001+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-06-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

found this picture of derek hilarious.

its been shitty and the father is proving to be an extremely difficult patient.
physically tired and emotionally drained.

someone suggested that i should get married so that my husband can share my burden.
that in my opinion is a huge joke.

going a little mad staying cooped up indoors.

2007-05-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

i need for everyone to pause for a moment and say a prayer
cos i need all i can havev.
the father got a heart attack and is in hospital now
will have to undergo a bypass
so i implore you all to please pray for him.

thank you
appreciated.

2007-05-28T02:00:00.000+08:00

where i spent my last four days killing my feet
but well nice experience
relatively good fun

am currently living in a pigsty
my things are all over the place.
i swear i think my room reeks.
gahh.
i really need to do something about it.

2007-05-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

its been one hell of a crazy week
i've cried
got pissed as hell
went ape shit bad
suffered from a severe hangover
wanted to die
still kinda wanna die
met huge ginormous amounts of people working at aquarama
some nice some not
got crazy aching feet
and am basically just down right tired and drained
emotionally
physically
everything.

its time to pull the plug
i wanna curl up and die.

2007-05-23T23:27:00.000+08:00

i floored the accelerator on my way home
and i just had this urge
to ram the car real hard against some divider or pillar or whatever
to hear the loud bang and the impact of the crash
and flung and thrown back into my seat
or out of the window for all i care
land head first in some ditch.

i almost took the drive down devils bend
but decided against it
since i figured that the urge to just oversteer
and have the car go off road was too strong.
i figured that my dad couldnt deal with the burden of the loss of the car or paying higher insurance premiums
see i am a considerate daughter

2007-05-20T15:07:00.000+08:00

the mother found out and strangely the huge uproar i was expecting didnt come.
she was angry yes
but no yelling match no cold war
we went shopping
okay well at least i in an attempt to appease the mother put myself through the torture of accompanying her and her sisters on a shopping trip
fortunately it seemed to work
*fingers crossed

too many days spent roaming the streets of town
my poor feet

2007-05-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

shopping makes me happy.
receiving gifts makes me even happier.
thank you girls.
i dont think you all know it yet but i really really love my uber early birthday present.
*laughs.
its pretty and nice.

hit the streets of town with lijie today.
what was supposed to be a harmless, painless day out on the pockets to thread our eye brows
(that fucking hurt like hell though...gahh the price of beauty)
turned into one huge insane shopping spree.

quite sad though cos everything i wanted was either out of stock or didnt come in my size
but yet i managed to help the girlfriend find two gorgeous buys.
feeling so supper aunty shopping among the rest of the aunties in robinsons
and i also managed to get my aunty down cos we wanted the additional 20% off.
like how even more aunty is that!
and seriously i think our "acceptable" price range is scarily climbing up the scale a little too fast for our pockets to keep up considering we are two jobless students.

2007-05-16T13:07:00.000+08:00

the silence was shattered, literally by the shards of glass falling to the ground in disarray.
the ferocity with which the cup hit the wall reflected all the rage and tension that hung in the air.
we both stood rooted to the ground
unblinking unflinching
i felt strangely callm
a tinge of fear
but really it was this cold rage coursing through my veins.
on hindsight, it was not your outburst that frightened me but my own.
i was amazed at how much contempt and hate i could hold for someone i loved so much.

you turned around and slammed the door resoundedly shut
as the sound ecohed throughout the house
my eyes stayed fixed on the closed door
momentarily before once again it was obligatory to chase after you.
it wasnt the need to appease.
i was already far beyond caring.
i simply needed to know why.

2007-05-14T18:22:00.000+08:00

i have words
but they are all choked up in this well inside of me and seem unwilling to come forth.
i dont really know what to make of myself or where everything is headed.
it feels more like aimless swimming around in this large pool that pretty much leads to no where.

and know what?
right here right now i really dont understand you at all
am begining to think that i dont even know you anymore.

2007-05-13T07:43:00.000+08:00

hey dear..
really sorry for missing your party i sincerely hope you had a lovely time.
best wishes and much love.
happy 21st (:

2007-05-09T16:38:00.000+08:00

every day in the late afternoon, she sets about meticulously preparing the evening meal. her long wavy hair she pins up in a neat tight bun and tying the bows of the apron around her waist she begins her task with her religious fervour. Each action precise and purposeful, each cut sharp and swift as she brings the knife down on the chopping board. the soft crunching sound of stems or the severing of bones. fresh aromas rise up and swirl around her but she is oblivious to the smells her brows knitted in concentration as there can be no room for error.
gingerly she places the silverware and china atop the table. fork knife/ spoon, chopstick perfectly aligned atop the embroidered table cloth. spotless and gleaming she could almost catch her reflection in them. but appearences would have to wait. time is of the essence and he would be home soon.
the air is almost exploding with the strong scents as she lifts the delicately arranged dishes and sets them on the table, embracing the centerpiece of fresh geberas she got from the florist earlier. momentarily she allows herself to stop and admire the feast infront of her but the longer hand on the face of the clock shifts and once again it is time to move on.
whisking the apron from herself, she removes the pin and her dark hair cascades down framing her face. the clock chimes, it is time. she gathers herself and sits at the table waiting expectantly for the man she loves.
time crawls by slowly, darkness decends. the hot meal gone cold and the delicious fragrances had long since disappeared. but still she sits and she waits. her fingers trembling, tears brimming in her eyes.

2007-05-07T23:13:00.000+08:00

i can say hail marys until i turn into mary...but i still miss you.
not the sex...it was not tragic...but i'll live without it.
but i wont make it if you cant be my friend...if we cant
izzy stevens, grey's anatony

sometimes when i look back on how long i have been wading and dragging my feet around in this same puddle of mud i get immensely amazed at my own stupidity and at how far i have let myself get led on, chained and shackled and trudging along each painful step of the way.

unfortunately though i still seem intent on ploughing along
like that bull being tied to the cart dragging all that weight along with it
pacing up and down the rice fields never really going anywhere
you can only get better at dealing with the pain
it never gets easier.

you make it hard to be there
but even harder not too
am starting to think you might be schizo

2007-05-05T17:55:00.000+08:00

if not for the both of you
i would have never made it here
it hasnt been easy being my parents
so i appreciate it.
stay loving

2007-05-05T15:05:00.000+08:00

am i really fixing what you have broken?
or have i just simply lost all value and appreciation for myself.

i dont know what to make out of everything
i dont know where to go from here.

2007-05-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

aim for the weekend:
make it through without any hitches hickups or quarrels.

note to self:
expect nothing
expectations can only lead to dissapointment

another note to self:
bastards are not needed in life
you have others way more worth your time.

2007-05-01T07:32:00.000+08:00

was pushed to the door with it wide open
but yet i could not take the step to walk away
to turn away from it all
despite all the hurting
despite all the pain
despite all the tears
i couldnt leave.
what does that make me?

i am sorry i lied.
it was a stupid thing to do.

on a much lighter and brighter note
someone makes me laugh
but its another one of those things that is just meant to head straight down the hill.
however
i think i am just addicted to the high.
but right now i really do want it to work
the night air
fast cars
screaming engines screeching tyres
and the laughter.

2007-04-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

2007-04-26T16:27:00.000+08:00

and so 5 papers, 9 days and 64890385692023 words later
it is officially over.
time to seek respite and rest and recupperate.
but with every end of exams comes this screaming hollowing emptiness and lost of direction as you wonder now what step comes next.

2007-04-23T20:25:00.000+08:00

sera wants

but seeing that it comes with an immensely heafty ~~five~~ FOUR digit price tag, she is willing to settle for:

but of cos...the former is still favoured

2007-04-21T14:44:00.000+08:00

the heavens gleefully unleash their fury while i gaze up into the clouds incapable of pulling out the plug that seems to be keeping everying walled up and churning inside
its a raging ongoing civil war between my heart and my head thowing me into totally disarray
ravaging through all my insides, distaster in its wake.

despondent and depressed
and incapable of explaining why.
maybe i do.
i just dont wanna acknowledge it.

a storm is brewing and i wish i could simply be oblivious to it.
i dont wanna keep worrying and wating for something.
something i'm not even sure of
just something.

2007-04-20T01:53:00.000+08:00

things you should never say to a girl that you wanna date
1) you are fat
2) you are high maintenece
3) you should be nicer to me
4) it depends on how you treat me
5) i'll think about it
6) you are so spoilt
7) i did xx specially for you k
8) why cant you be sweeter?
9) can you be more feminine

some males are just spastically stupid. and honestly i dont think my demands are that outragious.
so yes i have been spoilt rotten so live with it. or leave.
your loss.

and people who drive at bishan seriously need to learn how to park properly.
for 2 nights in a row had to squeeze next to stupid cars that are parked crocked and right next to the line.
you are meant to park in the fucking middle of the lot thank you.
and yes if it isnt too much trouble...
park straight.

2007-04-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

so its three down two to go and a study break this freaking week to mug for the blasted stats paper which i think i am gonna fail.
no writing for the next few days cos my hand feels like its about to fall off and die.
blardie hell.
havent written this much in god knows how long.
i hate regurgetative papers that simply just sap on your brain juices and force you to just simply scribble vabatim from the blasted text book.
my poor poor hand

2007-04-17T02:58:00.000+08:00

i am actually praying for the morning to not arrive
the death knell sounds closer and louder
the shadow of the grim reaper clearer and sharper as its form becomes increasingly distinct.
so in a few hours it all begins
and i am still fretting over not getting anything done
while my poor brain inches closer to saturation point.
words dance aimlessly across the page
mocking my incoherence
and my imability to comprehend the message
since when has my brain failed me so?

i need to focus
compose myself and be calm.
we have all been through this entire drill before
the countless papers we have set for in halls with everyone frantically scribbling away as the air conditioner blasts overhead.
this shouldnt be a problem
but yet it is.

2007-04-14T03:24:00.000+08:00

puffs of smoke sail off into the window
disappear into the rain
its silent except for the pattering water droplets hitting the green tarmac and roof
occasionally a splatter would land near my feet
the thick heavy smell that accopmanys a downpour
and i can almost taste the rain on my tongue
run it nervously over my lips

i like watching the raindrops as they fall
the splashes it makes
the strange comfort you find in the overcast sky
that just draws you into its huge gaping intoxicating grasp
and your eyes begin to feel heavy as you fight to keep them open
but your mind betrays you as you precariously slip off into another world
one where you are dancing around beneath the open skies as the water soaks you to the bone
but yet you are laughing without a care in the world.

2007-04-10T21:29:00.000+08:00

three unbelivably freaking long hours later.

but seriously, they are good.

thanks c for accompanying me on our crazy expedition.

2007-04-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

i am so screwed

2007-04-08T14:49:00.000+08:00

the sister showed this to me
and i fell in love with the song.
have decided to let it be my current theme song.

the animation is sweet too so take a look.

2007-04-07T18:37:00.000+08:00

someone needs to slap me
real strong and real hard.
i know there are people out there itching to do it
so yes. please i implore you guys to do so.
i need to make real
the impossibility of what i feel inside.

js said to take comfort at the end of the day in knowing that i still have friends who care.
and i guess he is right.
i have always maintained that friends are what make a person
and i am fortunate to have enough of them by my side.

2007-04-05T23:21:00.000+08:00

finally assuged my craving for tim sum yesterday.
eating nice food makes me happy.
well for a moment at least.
and a moment is worth an ubelivable amount in time.

my body is finally screaming out after all of the beatings it has taken from me
the long nights i have put it through
and all the physical, mental emotional exhuastion has manifested itself into this blasted fever come body ache that has left me decidedly lethargic and screaming out for rest and sleep.
only that i cant exactly scream seeing that my throat feels like there's a rose bush growing inside it
and as such i am relegated to suffering in silence.

stupid levis wont let me change the boxers i got.
gahh.

2007-04-02T17:06:00.000+08:00

...love does not die, even though bodies may perish from the hurt.
love disappears only when you do not understand what it means.
be with me my beloved love, so that my smile may never fade.
theresa chan

i broke down and cried
sobs wrecking through me
uncontrollable as fierce torrents of tears continued rolling down my face
but all you had to say was "i am sorry"
and in the morning light
those words were thrown out of the windown and forgotten.

enough.
until you have something more to give
i have none.

2007-03-30T20:24:00.000+08:00

"i miss him. all time time i miss him. its not waves its constant. all the time..."
isabelle stevens

i wasnt expecting to fly to the moon
or to hear angels singing
or even to be floating on air
but the absolute emptiness that i was presented with surprised and shocked me
can pain really be the over arching emotion that engulfs you robs you till you are left with not even a spec of anything?
i want to feel again.
it might even be good to cry.
instead all i feel is that racing of my heart and the tightness in my chest that makes it hard to breathe.
a huge gulfing void.

2007-03-29T13:22:00.000+08:00

sometimes it seems almost as though the heavens are crying for me
the tears that refuse to spill from my eyes

i guess i am learning to find happiness in the little things
and the stolen moments
rare intense special.
in those times my heart soars and i can almost here angels singing in my ear as the rest of the world simply just disappears
only problem is
happiness is such a transient emotion.

the constant steady flow of term papers and essays has rendered my brain incapable of processing thought.

c's leaving tomorrow.
interestinly enough, i do feel a little nagging feeling and a tugging at my heartstrings.

2007-03-25T17:47:00.000+08:00

they say that we cant stand each other because we are too alike.
perhaps they might just be right
sometimes, similarities can tear you apart.

its nice to finally be back together again.
time plays jokes on you and brings you down different paths
but its nice at the end of the day to come back to the same familiar smiling faces and its comforting to know that we were all never really too far away.
i love the stupid jokes we make,
the silly remarks,
dumb questions
wierd reactions
and all the ridiculous crap that we do.
i appreciate the brutal honesty, value the comfort and encouragement.
(seriously lijie, you're just about the only one who can call me a slutty bitch and get away wtih it. HAH)
but yes i love you all anyways.

2007-03-23T01:36:00.000+08:00

back to st nicks with abby today.
pictures speak a thousand words

this is the place i am proud to call myself a student off.
a place where i will always feel at home

2007-03-21T16:40:00.000+08:00

theres nothing really much else to do except to sit around and will the day away.
watch the sun as it crawls across the horizon.

every wondered why it seems to take longer for the sun to set than rise?
its directly overhead at around 12-1 but only sets at 7.

i wake up a little later every morning so that the amount of hours i have to constantly face are significantly shortened.
the number of blinks at the empty blue wall of my run considerably reduced.
on some days, i wish i never had to crawl out of bed but instead could stay curled up under security of my quilt with my teddy bear in my arms, up high and away from the world to mull and mope and get lost in my fantasies of when the world was a much happier place.

2007-03-21T02:39:00.000+08:00

i've asked myself why many times why. why i keep going back even though i know that theres nothing there left for me but a heap of dry dusty bones and a large pile of sand. that the momentary happiness i feel will simply just wither away into tears with the setting of the sun. but you see, the sunrise has never been more beautiful than when i am sharing them with you and even with the darkness that sets and engulfs me i still remember the warmth of the light on my skin. i dont know why, i just know...
its hard to forget because of the memories and all the emtional ties that we form and we make. the bonds we have forged seem almost close to impossible to simply just break and walk away from. its like having to bite your hand away to run from the chain and you still leave apart of yourself behind.
dying a little everyday.
when will i ever learn

2007-03-17T01:57:00.000+08:00

was amazed by the entire old-schoolness of this device.
havent seen one of those in forever.
reminisent of childhood days.

2007-03-16T20:53:00.000+08:00

its been a long week and i am glad its finally friday.
i guess i am just wishing for the days to race past because each new sunrise simply means that i have survived another day.
my minds a whirl and my heart feels somewhere inbetween absent hollw and thorn into a million pieces.
its like when you break a glass window and the shards lie shattered in a trillion different directions and all thats left is a huge empty gaping hole.

met b for breakfast yesterday.
and somehow those few hours made me realise how much i had given up and how much i had not treasured simply not noticed and not seen simply because i was so caught up blinded and consumed my chasing that one thing that was simply dragging me further down the hole that i've created for myself.

i really really need to get myself out of that hole before everything simply just consumes me.

2007-03-16T14:01:00.000+08:00

happy birthday ben dearest
i guess i'll always have a soft spot for you.

2007-03-12T16:10:00.000+08:00

*vivi: buy you more so-da-pia next time okay? haha

2007-03-12T15:48:00.000+08:00

sometimes we'll be in the same place at exactly the same time and i can almost hear her voice its like i'm touching her. i'd like to believe she knows i'm there. thats all you get. moments. moments with the people you love.and they move on and you'll wnat them to move on but still thats all you get. moments.
danny, Grey's anatomy

i dont wanna live my life simply waiting for those moments to come.
to hang on the every last word and replaying each scene in my mind
to allow myself to be nothing more than this patetic creature clinging on for dear life.

i am much more than that.
its just hard to let go of something that i have know all my life
to only thing that i held on to.

but i'm trying.
admist tears, smoke and pain.
but i am trying.

2007-03-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

bought this to share with the sister of mine.
actually its this deal we made but what the hell.
my new toy. (:

2007-03-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

i will not cry.
simply because i refuse to waste another tear on you-
you for whom i would once give up the world myself and more
you who i can only now stare blankly in the eye
listen to our breaths at opposite end of the line
as a million thoughts swirl in my head.
everything yet nothing
its just empty space and the screaming silence that fills up the gaps inbetween.

i lack the strength to hate.
neither do i have the ability to love.

to you i have already given all of me.

there just isnt any more.

2007-03-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

at the end of the day. you come back to the emptiness.
i was living for you.
i guess right now its time to start living for myself.
but i'm not good without you.

was talking to v online just now about one way streets and how you simply have to just keep on walking.
but i guess its never really just about walking.
we all walk all the time. its called muscle memory.
you can move around without actually being conscious of your surrounds or actions.
i guess the problem here is two fold.
firstly that we keep looking back over our shoulders and that causes us to fall and stumble a lot
and secondly that huge heavy baggage that we carry on our shoulders and never quite put down.
the overwhelming weight of just keeps pressing down and you stagger under the pressure.
and i believe at the end of the day, all the things that we hold on to is what is keeping is behind.
unfortunately though, its rarely that simple to simply just let everything go away.
the weight seems familiar and comforting.
that favourite vice, the sweetest down fall.
and because when you do let it go,
you come back to the emptiness.

2007-03-05T17:02:00.000+08:00

i really havent the faintest idea what i am doing with my life.
happiness is like the morning dew that evaporates into nothingness vanishing into the air.
and i am just left floating.
aimless, directionless, unable to concentrate on a single freaking thing or thought.
lost helpless and pathetic
i hate being sick.
makes me feel emo.

2007-03-01T21:50:00.000+08:00

feel like a ghost wandering the hallways of an empty house
slowly running my hands along the walls, the uneven bumps of the cracked paint beneath my fingertips.
its the hollow silence thats screaming at my ears as my feet thread noiselessly atop the parquet floor.
i am aimless.
just walking around. without a goal. without a destination.

i have loads of work to do.
and my list of assignments is screaming at me from my desktop
but somehow i just cant bring myself to get down to doing it.
its not that i am like depressed upset or anything
in fact i just feel well... empty.
and unable to concentrate on anything in particular.
unfocused, detached.
did i mention that i am finding it more than a little difficult to breate?

2007-02-26T20:54:00.000+08:00

my things are already packed up in a pretty strippy box that is sitting unobstrusively on the floor.
but somehow i just cant bring myself to pick it up and bring it home.
i guess that action on my part would mean actually coming to terms with the current state of things and acknowledgin the end of it all and a large part of me is not sure if i am ready to take on an empty room.

feel like a caterpillar locked up in a cacoon. wraped up in the security of darkness as around me things continue moving continue changing, oblivious to my absence.
however, every caterpillar becomes a beautiful butterfly and i seem destined to simply continue hiding in this shell that i have spun for myself.

2007-02-26T09:20:00.000+08:00

so i've come to the end of my roller coaster ride
and i am spent.
my legs are still pretty much wobbling and the world around me spinning
but i am unfortunately grounded.

d was talking to _ last night and she said
"theres no use crying over something that you cannot change"

i often question the certainty of the end
and ask myself if there really isnt anything that i could have done different or anything else i can do to avoid the end
but as much as the heart is screaming otherwise
my heard is well aware of how inevitable the end is

i more than free fell
i just got flung forcibly to the ground.

2007-02-24T12:55:00.000+08:00

happy birthday Xavier and Angelo
i LOVE you guys

2007-02-24T12:49:00.000+08:00

2007-02-22T01:43:00.000+08:00

if something we never knew we had disappears do we miss it?

would you miss me if i were gone?

sitting at my desk i hear the persistent humming of the air conditioner
and as my fingers fly across the keynboard and the clicks of the alphabets fill the room i think about how strange it feels to finally be back here again.
its comforting without a doubt to be back in the familiar comforts of my four walls but somehow
i feel misplaced.

theres like this vice like grip around my heart
and its tightening its claws around me making it hard to breathe
unwillingly the hot tears spill from my eyes and trail down my cheeks.
i'm not sad really
i'm still half way up the sky among the birds and my pretty clouds
maybe its just because i know that its almost time to return to the ground.

free falling and not sure i like it.

2007-02-17T19:41:00.000+08:00

the views never been more lovely
the sun beaming down on me from above
fluffy clouds drifting casually across the azure blue sky
the wind gently brushing across my skin.
and i feel that i am soaring high \
floating gently suspended in time.

i never want to wake up again
unless you are right there with me.

2007-02-15T14:43:00.000+08:00

terribly hung over and i am enduring a "reading off the slides" presentation that is excruciating in itself
made worse by the trobbing in my head
heavy eyelids
and the knowledge that someone is waiting impatiently for me at home
i am dying to simply spring off my seat and leave.
but i cant.
because i am next.

despite all the fun i had last night
i think i am sworn off zouk on a wednesday night.
not worth the sardine fest
and having hoards of sweaty bodies pushed against you.
the blinking lights
pounding bass beats
occasional bursts of smoke
and the perpetual smell of nicotine intermingled with sweat
enough to give anyone a constant high.

their presentation is fucking thirty minutes long.
did i ention that its still going on?

2007-02-12T13:41:00.000+08:00

i woke up with this nagging thought at the front of my mind that refused to go away.
even singing riduculous songs couldnt keep the sound of those words replaying itself in my ears.
forcing my eyelids shut do nothing to keep that image out of my mind.

i wish i hadn't been inquisitive
i wish i didnt care
i wish that your sweet words would have been enough to dispel all that uneasiness and discomfort that i am feeling.
but it doesnt.

to put the icing on the cake
i havent a right to be this way
because simply, i have been worse.

2007-02-08T14:26:00.000+08:00

The wind simply kept billowing and we sat huddled up in our chairs with our jackets wrapped as tightly around us as it would go
but still the wind was relentless and simply kept coming at us the whole night
the stars glittering in the distance desipte their resplendent beauty offered no respite from the cold and i was inclined to simply just leave my head inbetween my knees to keep my ears warm and to block out the sound of the howling winds

maybe it was the thought and image that kept lingering in my mind
maybe it was simply weariness
or maybe it was just the cold
but the place for me seemed for me to have almost lost its lustre and glow
the magic fairy pixie dust gone away

2007-02-05T14:17:00.000+08:00

my 2nd blood donation drive. (:
the highlight of my sunday morning

2007-02-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

i painstakingly built myself a staircase up to the clouds
in my dreams i could run my fingers through the soft bales of cotten, catch the sunlight before it hit the gound
see its soft glow in my eyes and feel the gentle warmth on my skin.
but she came along with a bulldozer and simply knocked my delicate ladder to the ground
crushed the debris beneath the wheels of that monsterous machine.
and all thats left is dust.
no evidence no trace of all that there was

the only picture is the dream that i have in my heart
but even that she has robbed me off
taken a pin and burst the bubble that exploded in my face with a resounding bang.

2007-02-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

i wish i could tell you
but i guess you already know

thank you.

2007-01-30T15:23:00.000+08:00

perfect days do exist

and they come with loud blarring turbine engines
gusty winds
sweet smelling nitrogen fuel
high speed drives
sexy cars
delectable food
and glorious company.

last night i made a wish on a shooting star
beautiful.

2007-01-25T17:29:00.000+08:00

as children we all viewed the wold as a glorious beautiful place flooded with sunshine, adorned by rainbows and pink fluffy clouds and littered with countless flowers in a myraid of colours. we loved the world and it loved us. or at least we thought it did. as we gow older and our glasses slowly loose their cherry tint, we come to realise that the bales of cotten in the skies are actually shades of dark threatening grey. the flowers have withered and the pavements are drenched with the rain.

sunshine rarely seems to last for very long in my world and some how i always seem to find myself thrown back into the shadows just as i begin to get used to the warm glow on my skin.

life's too short to waste waiting for something to happen. i need to create my own chances and make something out of myself.

its like walking precariously along the middle of the roads as the cars simply whisk by. some blarring their horns, others swerving or slowing down but yet i am simply just oblivious to it all as i continue perched along that white dotted line and everything from school to lectures to people just simply just pass me by.

2007-01-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

for Lijie:

i NEED to go too but
i dont know how gym fits into the blardie equation.
i have fridays off but until i stop working...my fridays are burnt there.
are we still meeting this weekend?

2007-01-23T22:50:00.000+08:00

the clock is ticking
and the hands are spinning at an alarming pace dragging me along behind them
my feet leaving tracks in the sand

i had earlier resolved to attend all my classes and lectures
but i am faliling miserably.
even when i do go for class
my eyelids simply droop and my mind wanders galaxies away
i desperately need to get my act together.

2007-01-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes a kiss can be lethal.
when fighting fish fight they engage in this vicious lip lock to see who can hold out for the longest.
its such a pretty sight though

finally got down to letting our fishes fight today
see four grown humans crowding around this tiny tank
screaming and shrieking and cheering on two tiny creatures bent of tearing each other's fins out
quite a sadistic form of entertainment but what the hell.

2007-01-20T22:40:00.000+08:00

i guess we always want more.
nothing can be too much for the insatiable appitite that we have.
i believe though that i need to learn to settle.
to come to terms with all that i have been given
to count my blessings and appreciate all the gifts i have
and stop hankering after the impossible and all that i know that i cannot have.

i asked for one night
and i have been given three.
that in itself is already more than enough to be grateful for.
all the smiles and the laughter
is icing atop the cake
an indulgence i dont deserve.

i am truely disgusted with myself for the way that i have been behaving
and i gasp at how shallow i have been.
i've done much worse than you have
and i truely have no right to be upset.

none.

2007-01-18T23:11:00.000+08:00

its the simple things in life that matter
throw me a mahjong set
two of the favourite males in my life
and the sweetest and most affectionate husky i have ever met
and there i have the perfect afternoon.
albeit it came at the rather expensive opportunity cost of having to skip lecture and tutorial the amount of laughs i had today were priceless.
makes me long though
for one of my own
to share my bed with
and to hug and hold

i've changed my ducks in a row.
moving out before having a car.
simply because, i wanna keep a dog.

2007-01-14T14:05:00.000+08:00

someone has made a tiny hole in the locked door
and he's reaching out his hand to me
the light is blinding and sharp to my eyes
my hearts racing like a bullet train
and each breath i take pierces my lungs
as if there's a strong pair of hands pressed down on my chest
i close by eyes
but i can still feel the warmth from the sunlight creeping in
gently shrouding me
my minds a whirl
and in my head the room is spinning
as a thousand images flash pefore my eyes
pictures on a screen from the whirring slide projector

i hear his voice calling out to me
but i dont know if i have the strength to get up and walk towards the sound
towards the light.
i dont know if i have the courage to walk away.
from all that i have ever known
from the darkness that i have surrenderred myself to.

2007-01-12T10:11:00.000+08:00

its too soon for the dream to be over
too early to wake up.

please dont let it end.
not now
not like this

2007-01-12T01:16:00.000+08:00

happy birthday dearie i love you.

its the sweetest dream yet
all the moments collected together like a school of vibrantly coloured fish
catching the light and illuminating the entire seabed
i'm dazzled by the sight, intoxicated by the beauty of the moment and everything else seems to just fade away and disappear into the distance

but i know,
the price to pay will be dear.

anyhow, praying for good weather tomorrow so that the party will go well.
i hope it all goes well.

2007-01-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

school tomorrow.
not really feeling much about it only that i am dreading the long journey that i have to make to get to freaking boon lay.
am currently still only registered for two classes so really havent the faintest idea how this semester is going to turn out.
i guess after all the upheaval that has been taking place these past few weeks
school appears a welcomed recluse
work and study should be a good distraction to keep my ever wandering mind occupied.

i'm still grappling with how fast things can change around me
and i am panting trying to keep up with the fast paced movement and the whole fluster of acctivity that is simply just spinning me round and round before spitting me out on the round in a helpless heap, spent and wasted while it simply turns and moves on leaving me behind.

2007-01-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

well for all that its worth
happy new year's didnt last very long
but am still grateful for what little i had...have
its not much and i wish i wouldnt simply hold on to that faint glimmer of hope
but however weak the light is
its the brightest light that crys out in the darkness.

i do resolve though, to be a stronger and better person
to let my mind overwrite the impulses of my weak and soft heart
and to guard it
for all that i am worth.

2007-01-01T11:25:00.000+08:00

this is how i spent NYE.
beautifying my desktop (:

(i have decided that the first post of the new year should be frivillious.
more when i am better rested)

2006-12-30T14:49:00.000+08:00

yesterday is history
tomorrow'a accessory..

i wish i could discard all the extra baggage that is pressing down on my shoulders
threatening to overcome me and push me down to the floor in defeat
i'm standing at the crossroads
tears on my face
i thought the pain would heal
but it mocks me by only increasing in intensity
consistently knawing at me
never ceasing in its merciless taunt
and i winch and gritt my teeth

the baggage lays at my feet
i could just abandon it and walk on alone
to throw away all that extra weight and begin my life anew
but i am afraid
infront me the different paths meander along
and around me the leaves swirl in the wind
like the thoughts in my head

i just wanna close my eyes
and go to sleep.

2006-12-25T23:22:00.000+08:00

i wish i could stand up and shout and wish everyone a heartfelt merry christmas
but then it would simply be hypocritical and fake.
cos right now i feel like

and its annoying the shit out of me.

2006-12-22T22:20:00.000+08:00

and who said angels weren't perfect?

2006-12-22T20:46:00.000+08:00

shes tearing along riding pillion
the wind in her face
thoroughly enjoying the ride
holding on to that figure infront of her
hands entwined around his waist
drinking in the sights that fly past
its almost like flying and she is floating on the happiness of the moment.
suddenly though a sudden lurge sees her hurtling through the air
the screeching sound of tyres on the ground
the smell of burnt rubber
and she feels herself tumbling to the ground

a loud resounding thud.
the sound cruel and unforgiving
the pain screams out
like the unforgiving mother that refuses to shut up
crimsom droplets ease out of the gaping wounds
a pool of red filling up around her

but still the cars go by
oblivious
uncaring
unseeing

then it dawns on her
as the darkness slowly threatens to overcome and engulf her
that she has a choice
to get up
walk up and find help
to slowly nurse her wounds
let them heal and fight to stay alive
or to simply lie there
to gradually let the life slip out of her.

i chose to get up
i only wish it wasnt so darn fucking painful.

2006-12-20T16:35:00.000+08:00

its all empty
i dont even have any tears left.
i've given everything so i guess now its time to turn and walk away
simply because you have taken everything from me
leaving me
empty.

i never thought i'd admit to this but seriously spending an entire afternoon infront of a flashing television screen
yelling and screaming vulgarities and swearing and shouting while trying to kill each other with shotguns pistols and what nots is actually a pretty fulfilling way of spending an afternoon and getting my mind off whatever is bothering me.
perfect way to destress and let out all that pent up frustration and irritation.
ben brought his xbox over
so spent like majority of the afternoon playing stupid random killing games
seriously never thought i'd enjoy it but then i guess you'll never know until you try.

i am not sure if you still read here
but i would really like to say a huge thank you
for everything that you have done for me
for always being so unassuming and forgiving and in your own silent way just being you and being there.
listening and never judging or demanding
you never deserved to be treated the way i did you
and i shouldnt have.
perhaps you might never know
but either ways,
thank you
sorry
love.

2006-12-15T20:39:00.000+08:00

the sky has fallen
but only this time
its raining glass shards that are piercing through my skin.
it doesnt really matter where you run
the pieces are everywhere
the crunching sound beneath my bear feet as i try to run

pulling the pieces out
deep crimson red flows from gapping wounds
crying out the tears that refuse to flow
screaming out the pain thats etched so darkly and lodged in the depths of my heart

i wish you would just kill me
its easier and less painful that way.

2006-12-11T17:39:00.000+08:00

i guess we all each have our own share of shit in the fan
and we all do our own parts of walking into walls
slamming face down into the mud
but at the end of the day
we just wanted to try
to have that hope against hope that perhaps just maybe it could have gone alright.
the greatest crime is not making a mistake
its not being able to correct them
and implicating everyone else around you.

i think i should be jailed

2006-12-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

if i were to write a letter to you,
this is most likely how it would read:

dear name,

love,
sera

i guess i've just got nothing to say anymore.

listen to my silence
and hopefully you will hear my plea.

the whirring fan spun overhead and the breeze gently circled us
the night air tinged with the smell of smoke
beer
laughter
shouts
open hearts
what more could a girl ask for?

i appreciate the concern
thank you dears for loving me
in time
i will.
at least i promise to try.

2006-12-03T00:33:00.000+08:00

badge and service pin.
"i am pan pacific"

started work on monday.
its been quite a flurry of activity with the endless phone calls and faxes and everyone bustling around
a whole department of females and it has been decidedly interesting
all the different characters and faces
hope it works out well.

2006-12-02T02:47:00.000+08:00

"you are my sweetest downfall.
i loved you first...i loved you first
beneath the stars came falling on our heads
but they're soft light"
-samson

humans err
we all succum to temptations
we all make choices we regret

i might run round in circles
but my heart never leaves you
i cant lose you but then again you cant lose what you never had
i cant find words to describe the emotions that rage like a violent storm within me
huge waves rising and crashing with ferocity
crushing everything in sight
white caps gleaming for all to see
all i know for sure is that you can make it alright.

2006-11-30T18:44:00.000+08:00

counting the moments as they crawl by
watching the numbers jump on the screen as i count down to the moment when it will end.
like children they amuse themselves
laughing and gigling over wierd contraptions that i cant comprehend
speaking in a language of their own
in a world beyond me
and i sit on the peripheral and just gaze past the invisible glass that seperates us
close my eyes.
its time to fall asleep.

2006-11-27T00:31:00.000+08:00

experimenting with blogging from google.
not sure if it will actually work

very unglamourous evening last night.
shall not even go there.
mortified.
i am praying that i never have to see that same bunch of guys again.
mixing alcohol is a bad idea.
shochu + graveyard = insane

thanks for being such a dear and taking care of me.
appreciated

2006-11-25T04:39:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday NICK(:

exams are finally over.
kinda been prett anti climax though.
but i guess thats also because i havent really been mugging THAT had to feel the sense of relief that washes over you.
always nice to know though that there is no nagging voice at the back of you head nagging you to do work
or the guilt that eats away slowly at you because you are not using your time appropriately.
haha.
its 430am
and i just got back.
sleep is screaming out at me.

too much sashimi
too much wine.
life is lovely this way.

2006-11-22T19:20:00.000+08:00

i am like inches away from swearing that i will never get behind the wheel of my car again
i am begining to think it has some sort of a personal vendetta against me.

i can still feel my heart racing in my chest
that roaring helplessness screaming in side my head
the constrictions in my lungs, making my breathing laboured
as i stand my the road my senses reeling
hopeless and unsure of what to do.

car broke down at jln bahar today
10 minutes before my paper was due to begin.
too far away too remote to call for help.
the father is becoming increasingly not helpful.
(i mean i know i cant blame him but i would appreciate direction and guidance sometime right?)

however, despite the whole shit that the incident wrought and me being late for my paper after having to leave the car by the road, i met many people to whom i owe thanks.
the taxi uncle: for being so kind as to driving me despite me not having cash and trusting me enough to allow me to transfer the money to his account
rosalind: for the ride out to my car
the taxi auntie: for her bottle of water to top up the water and her nice advice being so sweet and all
traffic police: for being so kind and understanding (the nice indian one) and well the chinese dodo for not booking me in the end
the tow truck uncle: for helping me move the car top up the water and basically without whom i would still be stuck at NTU.

there ARE nice helpful people in this world
and i am grateful for having met them

2006-11-20T17:07:00.000+08:00

on quite a high right now seeing that i just got back from 221
thats like three more papers, three more days till the end of exams
really quite loooking forward to it.
and theres sushi buffet on friday to top it off.
so YES the end of the examinations is definitely something worth lookin forward to.

with regard to how my papers are doing
well lets just say that welll
i dont wanna talk about it.
can be likened to having dug my own grave
and death will come when my results are out.

vivien, weiwei, lijie, abby:
5th december at my house.
games night in the evening.
can? let me know.
tag msg whatever.

2006-11-14T13:27:00.000+08:00

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt, how we manage our pain is up to us. Pain we anthetisize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it...hope it goes away on its on, and hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breath deep and wait for it subside...you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

my countdown calander is flashing 'one day to the start of exams'
and my dashboard has been adorned with my lovely exam timetable.
but somehow my mind's stil all over the place and i cant seem to get myself to sit down and get some serious work done.
its mighty disturbing really
and i am basically just eating my way through the day.
need to learn to be constructive and more disciplined
two attributes that well..
i never had to begin with
so really this isnt gonna go very far.

time to head off and attempt to get some things done.

2006-11-10T15:49:00.000+08:00

birkes came in the mail yesterday!
and so did my darling love-a-lot necklace

receiving mail is always a gloriously fun and exciting thing
even though the waiting and anticipation is sometimes hell of annoying
it just makes the moment when you receive the package to open it all the more exciting.

on a less glorious note
i am fretting cos exams are like just around the corner and i feel immensely unprepared
to add to the stress of the situation
my project grades and course work grades are totally fucked up
so that means i have to do more than amazingly well to pull my results up.
at the rate i am going
i swear that i have no idea how thats gonna happen.
ARGH.

and i swear i am FAT.
this morning i realise that i couldnt button my jeans
pray tell me that they shrank?
pleease.

2006-11-08T14:52:00.000+08:00

exams are seriously creeping and lurking round the corner
like this huge ferocious monster barring its teeth refusing to go away.
i guess in some ways
its like the bull fights where the matador knows that a ferocious bull is waiting there inside the ring
and its all the work at practice in those few moments that determines his fate.
i kinda feel like that
only that there is a stronger sense of impending death and not victory

stayed home to try to get some work done
but honestly
cant seem to be able to retain anything
and my eye lids are betraying me by threatening to shut themselves.

argh.

2006-11-06T02:19:00.000+08:00

its a whole sea of faces
some familiar ones scattered among the throng of white shirts
but largely they were strangers
people you could simply walk past on the streets without batting an eyelid.
in the background the band played on
i couldnt quite place my finger on what tunes it was suppose to me
neither mournful nor jovial
simply marching sounds i guess
of the trumpet blarring out every other instrument in the tiny old band.
literally
the muscians together with their instruments looked as though they had been many places.
intertwined with the vaguely musical sound
the smell of incense filled the air
with that tinge of nicotine from cigarettes hanging loosely from the lips of many.

another death,
another funeral.
stare blankly at the coloured photograph simling at all the faces gathered round
mechanically i bow
feeling like a low down hypocrite
as voices in my head scream out and call me names that i know i deserve.

on some of the alien faces, eyes colour as tears begin to fall
and i wish i could just disappear and fade away into the distance
i dont belong.
but yet the thick cords of responsibility family and respect had called me here
and i knew that this was the right thing to do.

will i miss the man of few words in the arm chair?
the greeting on the face i see once a year?
perhaps?
but probably not.